Strengths Based Marriage: A Review
Strengths Based Marriage is now my #1 favorite marriage book for couples (which is to say that I have separate lists of favorites of books intended exclusively for wives and exclusively for husbands respectively).
I have recently become enamored with how the CliftonStrengths Assessment supports our Catholic belief in the uniqueness of the individual; of the individual having been gifted by God with a unique purpose, a unique calling, and a unique set of talents to fulfill that calling in a way that literally no other human being on the earth could possibly replicate, repeat, or replace so exactly.
My primary concern with diving into any marriage book, however, is how closely that book aligns with Biblical principles. In the case of the CliftonStrengths, I was concerned that the Strengths might be presented as some kind of justification for abandoning/dismissing God's general designations of pastoring, providing, and protecting to husbands; and the keeping and cultivating of culture in the home to wives - and certainly, poorly-formed, poorly-INformed persons will still exploit that potential in favor of their self-centered ends.
But I am happy to be able to report that the authors of Strengths Based Marriage are not among the poorly-formed, much less the poorly-informed; and in making such a statement, I would like to treat the single paragraph in the entire book which might seem to confirm my fears:
“But what do you do if the roles are reversed and the woman in the house is great with numbers and the man in the house is the relationship genius? Then my answer to you is: Play to your strengths. Let the wife pay the bills, do the taxes, and manage the money, and let the husband focus on the kids, negotiate the teenage relationships, and manage the social calendar.”
Reading this paragraph out-of-context, alarm bells start going off - isn't this precisely what I was afraid of encountering?
If it had come much earlier in the book, I would have likely put it down with disgust. Fortunately, the authors are pedagogical in their presentation, and the paragraph, at first glance, struck me as discordant with what had been stated previously. The discrepancy was invitation enough to dwell on how such a paragraph could come to be in an otherwise thoroughly fantastic book; and in dwelling, I realized that in-context - read through the lens provided by the book's earlier content - the paragraph poses no problems at all.
(Given that my focus is on the formation of Catholic wives, my comments below will be geared more towards wives, even though this book is written for either or both spouses.)
The Four Mega-Needs of Men and Women
The book presents what it refers to as the “mega” needs of men and women, and what is written is consistent with Biblical principles, the Theology of the Body, and various exhortations from the Church throughout the years (I’m thinking of specific passages in Arcanum, Casti Connubii, Rerum Novarum, and Pius XII’s addresses to newlyweds). Here are pertinent demonstrative excerpts from that section:
“SECURITY
A woman needs to know that she will be cared for by a sacrificial sensitive husband... A man meets this need by putting his wife first and demonstrating that his wife is his top priority. By faithfully serving her and meeting her needs in good times and in bad, a husband meets his wife’s need for security.”
“LEADERSHIP
Women want to be treated as equals — but they want their husbands to be loving initiators of their homes’ well-being. Four important areas where women want their husbands to lead are: children, finances, spirituality, and romance. A husband meets this need in his wife by taking responsibility for discussions with her about these and other issues in the home to find solutions to any issues.”
“HONOR
Men need to feel valued and respected. It is their most important need.”
“FRIENDSHIP
Men... don’t want to be mothered or demeaned.”
“DOMESTIC SUPPORT
... women have the gift of nesting and turning a house into a home. Even if a woman works outside of the home, it is important to a husband that she is domestically centered and uses the necessary energy to create a pleasant home environment.”
Thus, reading the seemingly problematic paragraph above, in light of these “mega” needs having been presented first, it’s clear that a woman who, as in the example given, is delegated with managing the money, is not in any way being encouraged to usurp her husband’s financial headship; nor is the man who may be delegating such a task encouraged do so as a way to escape his responsibility to provide financial leadership; rather, that the division/delegation of tasks needs to be done in such a way that still meets the “mega” needs of both parties. Only then can their natural talents truly be called Strengths.
This is consistent with how I already address the issue with Catholic wives - explaining to them that God created men to associate their sense of self-worth, in part, with managing money wisely, and that a man who feels thoroughly competent and delegates certain financial tasks to his wife is markedly different from a man who tries to shirk his duty by pushing off the financial management onto his wife, and then blames her for their financial problems in order to hide from his incompetency. I also exhort women to examine themselves closely and - while required to obey if the language of legitimate authority is used - to push back on taking on financial tasks if they discern that doing so is an occasion of sin for themselves, if they are likely to be disrespectful and controlling and mothering, should they have charge of the finances.
The division of financial tasks is, of course, just one example of the application of “playing to one’s strengths,” but it is appropriate to highlight given that financial headship is an area where men are commonly emasculated by their wives, in Catholic and non-Catholic marriages alike.
On Wifely Submission and Respect
In Strengths Based Marriage, a beautiful and simple explanation is given regarding the opening verses of 1 Peter 3, an explanation consistent with Catholic teaching:
“Women are told to be chaste and respectful to their husbands when they are doing wrong and won’t change. When [the Bible] tells women to be submissive, it must be understood that men and women are equals. Submission is an attitude of humility and trust in God. A gentle and quiet spirit isn’t a mousy, beaten-down spirit. It is the spirit of a strong woman who trusts in a big God to change her husband. And because she trusts in God, she does not have to act unbecomingly.
The promise to women in 1 Peter 3 is powerful. They are told that they can change their husbands without a word as they treat them better than they deserve while trusting in God. That is the essence of redemptive love.”
Again, if the example of a wife potentially handling the finances is read through the lens of this earlier content, it is clear that her doing so cannot be in defiance of her husband’s headship; it cannot be in an attempt to manipulate or control or forcefully change him; it cannot be carried out in a way which is disrespectful of her husband, which ultimately demonstrates distrust in God and His promises. To the same point, further along, we also read,
“... when one spouse dominates the other... The person being dominated feels disrespected. If it is a man being dominated, he will often feel emasculated and deeply resentful of the way his wife treats him. This often causes him to emotionally withdraw from the relationship, which typically causes more anger and dominant behavior from his wife. The emotional distance she senses will often cause her to become even more aggressive.
If a woman is being dominated, she, too, will feel disrespected. This will naturally cause her to feel insecure and unloved.”
Prioritizing Work on Self
What makes this book my now #1 recommendation to married couples is found in the following excerpts:
“It’s... like being on a teeter-totter: when the person on the other side makes a movement, it directly affects you. The same is true in marriage. When you change, your marriage changes.
You are not a victim, and your spouse is not all of the problem or solution. Focus on yourself and not your spouse. ”
“You have the power to change yourself, and that will be the key to changing your marriage. It is better when both spouses are willing to do it. But even if your spouse isn’t willing, you are not a victim and you are not powerless. Focus on yourself and become the spouse you need to be. As you change, your marriage will change. ”
My biggest concern regarding marriage books written for both spouses is always the potential for either spouse to fall into the trap of blaming the other spouse for being less involved, or even uninvolved, in the work of bettering the marriage. I tend not to recommend books written for both spouses unless I have some idea of the maturity level of the spouse requesting the reading material; because an immature spouse will read what is directed at or intended for the other spouse and, zoning in on what the other spouse is failing to do, validate their own poor behavior. In short, they want the other person to move first, and - without this kind of explicit condemnation of victim mentality - treat the book as ammunition in their own interest. Furthermore, when spouses read books authored by the opposite sex, they are often tempted to compare their spouse to the author, and mourn feeling thoroughly understood and validated by the author, and so thoroughly misunderstood and disregarded by their spouse. It is a sad thing when objectively excellent content is unfortunately open to misuse and manipulation in a manner which only causes further damage to a marriage; it is this abhorrent victim mentality which is always the culprit, and the author’s unfortunate failure to clearly address this problematic mentality.
I am so excited to next week be joining the Human Formation Coalition's Cohort 22, and consequently be able to bring the CliftonStrengths into my various apostolates centered on marriage advocacy. Strengths Based Marriage will absolutely be at the top of my list of recommendations as [Lord willing!] a certified accompaniment coach for the Strengths through HFC.
